Beg, Steal & Borrow

 

Beg, steal and borrow

to feed the poison within.

I should be a better man.

but I just keep a tight hold

of the shame I told myself

to bury with the pain I hide,

the tears I cried when I knew

you were not watching.

And here’s the thing

I never lied, to anyone except

myself when I said

I was okay.

 

And I poured myself another

to comfort the one before.

Can't have a single

when a double is company,

and once you’ve had two

you may as well have 4 more.

Because I’m past

the point of no return

and who is keeping score?

And I begged, stole and borrowed,

I owed more than I ever felt worth.

And I should be a better man

but I just kept asking for more,

to push out the noise inside,

block out the pain that

had already broken down my door.

 

And I sunk and I dived,

drank the poison dry

and somehow survived.

I wanted to jump

but you pulled me back,

only to kick me down,

and I licked the salt

from my tears, and added lemon

to the scars that covered my heart.

And I poured some more

to scold the me that I couldn’t hold inside.

 

And I begged, stole and borrowed,

I burrowed myself into a hole

and waited for death to follow.

And yes, I should have been a better man,

but I sat in my hole

and swallowed

the dirt until the dirt was gone,

then I searched for even more.

Rock bottom is a fallacy,

When you can always dig into the core.

 

And I let that winter pass,

then the summer then

the winter then the summer again,

and the pain didn’t lessen,

but in my hand I held a pen,

and I begged, stole and borrowed

words I could read,

to see the world

with a different lens.

And I sank, and floated,

drank and dozed,

I relapsed in regret, I sparkled

and I cut and scarred up again

it’s true. I regressed and I grew.

 

But I survived the winter cold,

the summer heat,

and in the spring that followed.

I finally found my feet

and I walked so much

bolder than I ever had,

with the sunlight guiding me on.

And now I am a better man,

with a heart that feels again.

I let not the pain drag me down,

or bury me in its garden.

I stand with my arms held wide

and I welcome all to come in.

Hide.

 

Put your feelings on hold.

 

A collect call for the future,

whilst you just ignore,

the growing pain,

the growling

nagging, the insect sting

of hurt trying

to claw out of your skin.

 

But you put your feelings in a box,

hidden and locked in a cupboard.

 

At what cost?

 

Sanity starts to bleed

from within the rough,

the cuts

that you place upon your skin.

 

The hurt that you say is healing.

 

And you hide behind smiles,

you hide behind those manly lies,

you hide in the cuts that

criss-cross your skin

You hide in bedroom darkness

when loneliness comes to steal the night.

 

You hide between the thighs

of anyone that breathes,

you hide in the bottle

that screams you name,

you hide in the injections that feed

hate into you veins,

you hide in the tv world

that shows a warped mirror of life.

Feeling less. An emotion drain

Sucking, gulping away the pain, but also the light.

 

At what cost...

 

A life with no hope sits

alone on a settee

Selling his dreams

to anyone that pops in for tea.

Waves upon our shores

 

If only just for tonight

could we block out

the outside and slip

into our overgrowing dreams.

Let the feelings take us where

we wish to be,

let go of the fear

that sometimes

creeps into a day, and sway

under the midnight rain.

 

We could

solidify feelings,

hold them tightly in our hands,

let go of old memories

we never wished to carry.

We make love

in a toast to tomorrow.

A promise to brighten

the futures

that will come our way.

 

And if you dream

of butterflies

we could sit in moonlight

counting those

long goodbyes

and throw them

into the hungry night.

For our futures

will be filled with

hellos held forever

in our hearts and minds

 

For if only for this night

we could close our doors

and just let ourselves

be waves upon

each other's shores,

caressing the hope

that sleeps in our eyes,

then maybe,

we will be alright

for a lifetime or more.