I realised today that I’ve been
wearing this mask for so long
that it has become attached.
The smile is stuck onto my lips,
but the glue is beginning
to flake and crack,
and I feel that soon
it will all fall to bits.
Crumbling to dust when
the weather changes,
leaving just a grotesque
mimic of the hole
that lives within.
I’m starting to feel...
Down.
Not just low,
but somewhere buried
under mounds of earth
and I've awoke,
shocked and broken by all the noise
that spins around
my washing machine mind.
I’ve been down
there so long that I forgot
that the smile was fake,
and the hope I’d built up inside
was really just a dam blocking
off the lake of despair.
A wall of illusion and
I’m just a ball of confusion
hitting my head against the brickwork.
I’m flat, like someone
put a shard of glass to my heart
and let all the air rush out.
It’s like I’ve brainwashed myself
into forgetting the ache I feel inside.
I’ve lived so long in a dream state
that I've forgotten
that nightmares can be real.
And I feel...
Lost.
Not merely walking a dark street,
but across a whole dark country.
Like there is a maze in my mind
and I’m clamouring around and around.
Up is down and there is
a creeping fog clouding the exits.
I’m crowded by the sounds
and reality feels it doesn’t fully exist,
or it sits forever out of reach
over the chasm in the centre
which is dark and deep,
and what if reality is me circling
these same corridors trying to reach a place
that contains just the mirror image of me
trying to escape from the flipside
we were always destined to be.
And I don’t know where I’m heading
or even where I’ve been.
I just want to sleep away the strain.
Watch those film grain movies
playing on repeat,
the moments where my mind is most awake.
I feel scared.
What if I’ve always cared
and no one else shared
that same care with me?
I’ve just been a figure of fun
that people can use to bring
a bit of joy to their day.
What if this is how my whole life
is going to feel until my dying day?
What if people realised that
I’m scared that this is all there is to me?
Thanks for reading
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continue to do this.
Peace, Love & Poetry
Kyle
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