Young Bill

 

I talk to your star, every once in a while.

I don't know if you hear me, or if you

are there at all, but I do know that you are

in my heart when I need to call.

And you probably think it's fanciful,

like me, you didn't see organised religion

as an answer, but did you hear

the universe singing at all?

 

Because I still get unsure, I still feel doubt,

I still don't know if I'm doing it all right.

I still feel alien in my skin,

malfunctioning in my brain,

and a slight pain in the hip

when I stand in the rain.

 

But I think you would

have been proud of the man I became,

or am becoming, because this growth is ongoing.

And maybe, you would have had a better insight

into who I was, and the world I was forming.

Why I didn't fit into the same boxes as you.

Why I could never have been just a clone of you,

following the same 9-to-5 drone of life,

when my mind can't connect

those threads half the time.

 

They used to call me 'young Bill'.

 

A falling cascade of Polaroid

faces flood my mind - 'the worker'.

'The father'. 'The cartoonist'. 'The thinker'. 'The smile

that just sat, content'.

 

And I question silently, were we more similar

than we seemed?

 

Did you have a slightly miswired brain?

Did you see the magic

in the way the flowers swayed?

Or the way the rain bursts as it falls

on your cheeks in a sweet embrace?

 

And whilst I see it now in my face,

I also see that I couldn't ever be

a replacement, or a placeholder.

 

And one last Polaroid falls across my eyes:

'The poet'.

 

I am a different being, and as I grow older

I know that my path was never meant to

reach the same destination, but maybe

that was ultimately the way destiny was

bent into shape by your creative mind.

You dreamed big, but the world wouldn't let you soar.

Well, I roar back that I dream bigger, and I won't

be pushed onto a factory floor

and stamped under those heavy boots.

 

I am more.

 

I'd rather be a torch holder

shining down on everyone,

beaming with joy when they

show the world the love inherent in them.

Or when they point out the unjust, the people

that cause distrust, the ones that hurt

and those faded stories of dust.

And I think you would have seen the magic.

For I know I saw in your eyes

a glint when you glanced at the starlight,

and song was never far from your lips.

You just came from a different generation,

where they never saw the beauty in difference.

 

I'll put a record on for you,

some Motown numbers

as I glance up at your star.

And I'll let my feet move in dance,

for I think of you every day,

and every night as I watch the sky.

And the starlight will glisten

in my teardrop eyes,

as those heavenly lights listen

to my silent cries.

Betray the horizon

 

Could we run away,

betray the horizon, the lands it lies on,

and the lives we leave behind the grey rain.

You can rely on the rising belief I hold in me.

 

the stories that faded so many times

that they became

just a rising stain on the page.

A ring of pain around the

draining whirlpool of time.

 

A raindrop of escape would be

a fairytale into which we can stray.

 

Stay with me. In these

wilderness dreams,

and I'll give my soul

to the moon and seas.

Every droplet, like a locket

with a heart engraved.

 

Could we share a trip

to a mountain hideaway,

somewhere that the world can't see?

 

The bears would be tamed

and we could walk with deer,

watching the birds fly free.

 

And if it got cold we could

light the fires in our hearts

until marshmallows

melt into the ground,

like the snow-capped

surrounds that shine in the sun.

 

Or a wood-beamed forest cabin,

where you can't see

the trees for the leafy dreams.

Leave with me, and we can see

Forever in a single heartbeat.

 

I don't want the world.

I only want to share it with you.

A lifetime isn't too long,

forever is only a heartbeat,

eternity a mere wingbeat.

 

We could take a boat, traverse

an ocean, afloat on a world of hope,

to find a desert island, which shows

on no map or globe. We can elope

to a shoreside sanctuary - just you, me

and the seagulls for company.

 

Or dream with me, a rocket ship

to another space entirely,

for our hearts are universal,

and we can hold galaxies within.

And this earth isn't big enough

to contain the love

without fracturing.

 

The destination could be anywhere, the

companion is the only ship I need.

The living gallery

 

I'm still unformed, not rigid plastic but

mouldable clay, stretchy and elastic.

 

Putty that is still being pulled into shape,

a structure with a few irregularities - a Monet,

painted by Picasso, then scrawled in crayon

by a child.

 

A living gallery of who I have been,

where I am today, and what tomorrow will bring.

All conjured into a mystical reality of melody

and tone - an inkblot turned into a painting.

 

A splash of colour in the grey, rain-stained world.

 

If I was a forest, I'd be wild, untamed.

Overgrown brush. Blackberry bushes

and delicate flowers, with soggy leftover

dreams becoming mushy footprints in the rain.

And I would pour my heart

into the leaf-carpeted floor.

 

Wildlife would thrive; songs would

live in the leaves. As birds' beaks

echo their refrain.

So many pathways,

not gravelled, but dirt tracks,

through brambles and empty patches.

The branches of every story,

splashing my eyes in dewdrop smiles.

Brushing my raw skin, in nature's healing.

 

If I was a meadow,

I'd be hillsides painted wide,

trees down one side, a river beside,

where we would let our feet soak

in the cool pure blue.

I'd be calm and open to you,

I'd be a blanket to stop the dew

from soaking you, and I'd be hope

that flows on the gentle breeze

that blows through your hair,

like fingers of a lover's hands.

 

I'd be whole lands.

Where you will always feel at home,

never alone unless you wish to be.

I'd build retreats, and communal seats,

to watch over the scenery.

 

I can be so much more.

 

I am an abundance of ideas.

 

A river rapid torrent of thought,

 

A mountain towering in majesty,

 

A valley, lying low and watching peacefully.

 

Because I'm still learning every day

to see this world, its people.

And flipping the camera back to me,

to see where I fit in this crazy dream.