Looking back, I have to laugh
at what I saw as my saviour path.
The walkway I thought would bring
me giddy happiness, would leave me
dizzy, broken and hapless.
I strode on misguided feet.
The life I'd pictured in my dreams
was on the rocks,
with no handrail to guide it seemed.
Countless self-destructive feats,
down too many dead end streets.
I thought that this was the way for me,
the place I'd meet my dismal destiny.
I never believed that I was worthy,
just a blur on the edge of thirty,
and all I could see
was the bottom of a glass
staring back at me with a face,
bruised and dirty.
I never want to be sober,
I thought.
I sought adventure
caught in the dregs of a bottle,
in the drops of a tap,
in the messed-up visions
that still flicker back,
a disconcerting flip book
of hidden truth and self-abuse,
of weary looks
and worn-down boots.
Intoxicated hope, a lie.
A whisp floating to the sky.
My life,
sinking under the liquor I'd imbibed.
I walked alone and I fell alone.
I stood again to gain nothing
but pain, misery and a lifetime
of looking back in shame.
I never wanted to see clearly.
The pictures on my page too scary,
the thoughts in my head terrified.
I could only feel dread grow inside of me
and a glass is no place to hide.
I never want to be sober I thought.
Caught in a moonbeam,
drinking moonshine and whisky, neat.
Red wine pouring down at my feet,
like a pool of blood puddling around me.
Portending my destined fate.
If I'd listened instead
to the rumbling fear in my head,
if I'd stopped hiding behind beer,
using the bottles as a barrier
against anyone
that wanted to show me care,
would I be who I am right now?
Where I stand so much prouder
without a pint in hand,
or more likely would I be six feet under?
Just a memory whispered
in peoples diaries.
Oh, such a waste,
I'm sure they would say,
but I had to fall to climb.
I had to kill the me
that whined inside.
Deep within this aching shell,
I had to refine my heart,
to be more kind to myself.
Refind the truth behind my eyes,
the love that dwells inside.
Remind myself
that I have a purpose in life.
Rewind the clocks from time to time,
to confide in my soul
that I've grown
so much more whole.
Now I don't listen to the bell
that calls last orders on us all.
Thanks for reading
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https://linktr.ee/Wordsandfluff
continue to do this.
Peace, Love & Poetry
Kyle
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