Disassociating

 

Take all of the magic moments,

the hope that comes from first love,

the holidays in the sun,

the hug from a loved one,

the starlight sparkle of midnight,

the dazzle of the stage lights of life,

all the warmth, the love, the hope,

the dreams, the sunbeams

on your cheeks, the stolen seconds

of relief on days when it feels

the world is only rumbling underneath.

 

Because

it can hit like a brick,

the moments

when you feel alone.

Even though

you are surrounded

by those that you love.

The world still swallows

you up, and you feel like all is gone.

Every memory, every smile,

every happy teardrop. Just void.

Empty. Paranoid.

 

And for a second, you feel

every bead of sweat, every regret,

every ripped heartbeat, and every torn memory.

Your muscles feel leaden, heavy,

and you try to swallow the panic.

But it sticks in your chest like

a weighted hand grenade ready to go off,

 as you forget how to breathe,

and your heart sounds alarm bells

in irregular beats, and then nothing

but...

 

The grief, the guilt, the crumbling self-belief

that was beaming only moments ago.

I'm letting everyone down, I'm souring the mood,

it all thaws like snow

in the middle of a summer heatwave,

the happiness drains, in gurgled heartbeats.

Your gargling thoughts just bubble then pop,

leaving you empty.

Colour-blind and depleted of all energy.

 

Your legs don't move, your head

just sits in a darkened room,

you can't find a light

in the deepening gloom.

It's all just empty. Alone in a former war zone

that is now just debris-strewn wasteland,

with no landmarks to help

navigate through the wide-open maze,

all the invisible walls you have built in the way.

And you crash, and crash, and crash. And...

And...

And

 

Nothing. Just pain from panes of glass,

smeared with what used to be you.

The disassociation, like you are outside

viewing in, and the view is just distorting.

 

But those memories, those hopes

and dreams still sit somewhere

deep within you. So, dig and dig,

until you feel your fingertips sinking in,

find a single sliver of a morsel to cling to.

And you will come through this.

Smiling as wide as the horizon,

when the storm is through.