Beg, Steal & Borrow

 

Beg, steal and borrow

to feed the poison within.

I should be a better man.

but I just keep a tight hold

of the shame I told myself

to bury with the pain I hide,

the tears I cried when I knew

you were not watching.

And here’s the thing

I never lied, to anyone except

myself when I said

I was okay.

 

And I poured myself another

to comfort the one before.

Can't have a single

when a double is company,

and once you’ve had two

you may as well have 4 more.

Because I’m past

the point of no return

and who is keeping score?

And I begged, stole and borrowed,

I owed more than I ever felt worth.

And I should be a better man

but I just kept asking for more,

to push out the noise inside,

block out the pain that

had already broken down my door.

 

And I sunk and I dived,

drank the poison dry

and somehow survived.

I wanted to jump

but you pulled me back,

only to kick me down,

and I licked the salt

from my tears, and added lemon

to the scars that covered my heart.

And I poured some more

to scold the me that I couldn’t hold inside.

 

And I begged, stole and borrowed,

I burrowed myself into a hole

and waited for death to follow.

And yes, I should have been a better man,

but I sat in my hole

and swallowed

the dirt until the dirt was gone,

then I searched for even more.

Rock bottom is a fallacy,

When you can always dig into the core.

 

And I let that winter pass,

then the summer then

the winter then the summer again,

and the pain didn’t lessen,

but in my hand I held a pen,

and I begged, stole and borrowed

words I could read,

to see the world

with a different lens.

And I sank, and floated,

drank and dozed,

I relapsed in regret, I sparkled

and I cut and scarred up again

it’s true. I regressed and I grew.

 

But I survived the winter cold,

the summer heat,

and in the spring that followed.

I finally found my feet

and I walked so much

bolder than I ever had,

with the sunlight guiding me on.

And now I am a better man,

with a heart that feels again.

I let not the pain drag me down,

or bury me in its garden.

I stand with my arms held wide

and I welcome all to come in.