Teardrop sunsets

 

I left my heart

alone on a

train carriage,

destined for nowhere.

A place where hope can't

get hold and pull it apart.

A long way from home

 

A teardrop sunset falls

heavy upon the seat beside me.

 

I waved

as the train disappeared

into the distant haze,

I was unfazed.

What use is a heart,

when love

only leads to pain anyway?

When the tracks

all converge

into one lost town

where desolate tears

are spent, like copper pennies

poured into stagnant fountains.

 

I left my heart

in a runaway fantasy.

I'd let it depart

and I'd find a new one

dawning inside of me,

like the newborn sun forming above.

This was what hope had taught me.

That tomorrow, a brighter day

could greet and hold onto me.

Fresh and clean.

Unbruised by life,

untarnished by loves

gone by.

But time cycles on.

 

And loneliness

sits upon a bench

surrounded by concrete.

An island of solitude

in a lament spoken

to the breeze. A teardrop

sunset once again greeting me

in shadow symmetry.

 

But now the sky

pours a road in the

solid sunlight.

A passage

through the long grass,

and I can walk at last.

 

And the past

no longer stains

the future.

No longer a commuter

searching for another

lost passenger,

but the driver

of my destiny,

not tied to tracks.

The destination open

and I ride with

the wind in my hair.

Caught in a whisper

 

You loved my

silence,

my puppy-like obedience.

The way I'd take

the hits, tail between my legs

and not raise a whimper.

I'd just wag and accept the dregs.

The way I'd let my voice simmer

like a shimmering mirror,

caught forever in a whisper.

Not letting my hurt bubble up

and froth over like a raging river.

 

You loved that I'd take

the autumn punches

and never take a fall

and then take you for lunch,

to placate it all.

 

You loved to hold me down

when I was destined to fly.

You loved to drive me around,

to make me lose my mind.

You'd lead me down

darkened winter roads,

to see if I'd find my way home.

 

I stayed quiet.

 

I settled for this, better than loneliness

I said through whispered tears,

I hid behind fear and

I never let my heart tear...

 

Not once.

 

Because I knew I'd need it again.

 

I knew.

 

Because I would give so much

and you took and took 

and took.

 

I gave so much.

 

Every splash of blood,

every drop of love,

every word I printed in my books.

and you kept on piercing me

with those hateful looks,

the stabbing words

you stuck in my guts.

Then cut me off

from the life I once knew.

Caught in a circling limbo

surrounded only by you.

 

I worshipped at your feet

as I crawled on hands and knees

over the eggshell shards laid out for me.

And you laid a welcome mat

for me to kneel and plead,

and our mattress a bed of nails

where dreams bleed into the spring.

 

Until I stopped looking back,

letting summer sunshine fill my sky

and I ran wild and free, happy

as I glanced back once again

and saw the shadows

of your soulless eyes becoming history.

The dance of rebirth

 

I have been building layers

unconsciously.

Pilling on defences,

worn in misery.

Slapping on barriers,

creating walls of skin that I feel

uncomfortable wearing.

I let them become weathered in.

Until I could no longer tell

the skin from the masking

membrane skeleton within.

 

But now I grip upon that surface,

and I tear, pulling away layers,

chunks of raw hurt. I take the good

and discard the dirt.

Keeping the lessons, and lessening the

moments of pure despair.

I feel the sting of skin pulling clear,

the ache of so many years...

 

Of neglect.

 

I strip. A piece at a time,

becoming lighter.

Feeling my limbs springing back

like a newborn lamb.

Tightened, by years of strain,

but easing in the warming rain

and the sunshine

that bursts down upon them.

 

On the ground,

so much discarded pain,

so many memories, dissolving fast

in the summer heat.

And in my heart a rhythm,

a song with a rising beat,

and now I can finally move,

I let myself dance.

Enjoying the way

the world feels

under my feet.