Still a handful of blood cells
in my alcohol stream.
Blurred vision, but I can still see
through the ethanol smeared screen.
This is not enough for me,
my slurring, self-medicated mind thinks,
lining up the drinks.
I need to obliterate every memory,
every thought needs to be lost in the debris.
a time bomb set to explode. Deep in my cerebral cortex.
I set the timer a while ago, tick, tick.
I wait for it to boom.
I don't want to see this room.
If I can't feel anymore
then did the pain really exist?
Like a tree fallen in a forest.
Tick, tick, tick,
the seconds keep clicking,
Echoing through every moment I spend thinking.
Another shot, I stagger and drop.
But still, it doesn't go off.
The heartbreak still feels like a part of me
has been taken and set alight.
The ache of memories
feels like a storm inside my house,
and someone has turned off the light.
Blocking out the moon, destroyed the night.
So, I drink some more to claw those memories
from my memory store.
If I can't feel anything, then did it really happen?
Schrodinger's pain pawing at my brain.
Tick. Tick.
I feel sick to my core and my straining stomach
can't take much more of this poison that I pour,
but it's never enough to cloud the terrified sky.
I start to cry and the floods don't stop.
The bomb goes off.
Were the tinkling sounds those of glasses smashing
or the ringing of last orders?
Did the pain cause the need to obliterate,
Or did it feed a self-destructive part of me?
Pavlov’s pain barking at my mind again.
I awaken.The shrapnel
of those memories,shattered,
scattered through my thought timeline,
but I'm alive
and for the first time I look up
and don't see a terrified sky,
but a smile saying everything will be alright.
Thanks for reading
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