I walk past the old cemetery,
the dead space in my head.
Searching in vain
for a place to quieten the constant rain.
Looking for a piece of life,
to find some peace of mind,
to piece together this jigsaw-puzzle brain.
It's a hard place to live sometimes,
it's always so constant, the noise,
it rattles away all hours, looking for cause,
looking for reason, looking for purpose,
that sometimes I need to search
for a place to bathe in still waters.
It struggles. On a page it can relate
tales aplenty, make words flow like sedate rivers,
across whole land stretches.
All created in the briefest of times
with just a flick of a switch,
but when it's in human company
it shuts down completely.
Leaves me naked, not wearing a stitch.
It seems to want me to hide from the day.
Leaving me to work
on emergency power, sparks ebbing away.
Everything is slow, the words won't flow,
thoughts stuck, lodged tightly in my throat,
I stand exposed.
Anxiety leaks from the ceiling
onto me, into me, and I'm there standing
freezing. Stuttering like a video buffering,
waiting for the next piece to download
before starting to play.
So, I just sway, wobble and stare into space.
Trying not to overload.
People see me and walk away.
I'm a social person,
but I can't be social on cue,
it has to be a connection that feels true,
it takes time to grow roots.
So, for those moments
the vision of me can seem quiet askew.
I wish I could be like you.
I'd love to walk into a room,
be able to share,
to be less self-aware.
I'd love to be able to speak,
to be able to joke
like I do when I'm with one
that I can open up to.
But in a room.
I feel encircled,
my thoughts unravel,
just waiting for the ground
to open up and swallow.
Thanks for reading
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